i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
This beer is not sobering me up at all
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
Just saw a dude walk out of the parking. Garage in a diaper and tutu. He had a handle in one hand and a toy bow in the other
LOL its 11 am
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
The night was crazy enough that we did a workout. Instructed by the bouncer at 2am
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Randomize
