Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
I woke up and there was 3 different size condom wrappers on the floor. What is this goldie locks and the 3 condoms???
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Also, I cannot stop picturing myself in a bar, 3 years from now ordering soda. Just soda. 30 pounds over weight and wearing a cat sweater. I feel like I'm heading in the wrong direction in life.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
we are eating waffles in the pillow fort. Still think you're too straight for a threesome?
I'll be right over.
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