I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
You ruined the universe
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
I'm just going to use my debit card. I feel bad buying pizza with the money I stole from my roommate...so I'm going to put it in my piggy bank.
Randomize
