I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Still losing my voice, so I am trying to get it back through drugs. Welcome to my Monday logic.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
Randomize
