my vag is so smooth its legendary
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
Totally had a conversation drunk last night with a bisexual chick at my apartment in Spanglish too.
You're a hero.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
I love you. Doing a double. Going to die. It will be painful. Let the world know i partied. God, did i party.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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