Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
I am the drunkest girl in the tree.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
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