i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
he broke off the kiss to ask "can I grab your boob?" like props for asking for clear and concise consent but there HAS to be a sexier way to do it
Randomize
