i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Our sibling relationship has really blossomed into a wonderful mutual acceptance of sluttyness
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
