So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
It's like the water temple from zelda. but with more tits.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
he's downstairs watching tv with my family... I called the home line so my mom could bring me my make up bag cause my real face would prob make him delete my number
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I just spent my entire state tax return on sex toys
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Uhm I have a bottle of tequila, a gallon of orange juice, and leggings. Now ask me again how hard im going? And that doesn't cover tomorrow.
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
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