How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I took my penis out way before I got to the bathroom and some dude kicked me out.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
He wanted me to blow him while he did curls and looked at himself in the mirror. Not sure if gay or ego maniac.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Woke up with a 6lb bucket of Redvines with a note that said "I'm sorry" care to explain?
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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