my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
i literally would have sex with every single person on this girls wall, but not her
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Would it be creepy if I masturbated with my face in the pillow he slept on last night? Cuz I'm pretty sure that's about to happen
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
I just landed at Logan and some guy threw up in the baggage carousel. Boston never really changes
Randomize
