i just made out with my boyfriends father...and so did jess
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
The only reason we got away with streaking last time was cuz we had those miner hats
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
