As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
My only expectation is honesty. And three orgasms every time.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
I opened my eyes this morning, looked at the sunlight and made this hangover my bitch.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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