dear life, i get it, drinking is not a contest
She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
So my family just woke up on Easter morning and shared a bowl. That's bonding😊
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
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