the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
I think that was him coming out to me. I just brushed it off
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
Randomize
