Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
splinters make it hard to masturbate
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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