I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Randomize
