talk about how much treatments for your hpv hurts
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
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