I had a good time, probably would have a bigger headache today if you were in town.
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I didn't ask for a picture of your soft dick.
Mike found the condom wrapper on the washing machine and looked at me and said "Magnum? NICE girl. Get that nut!" then proceeded to puke in a cup
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
I wasn't going to drink. Then there was alcohol so I gave that up.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
