If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
I will give you 100$, a blow job a day for a month and I will shave my legs according to societal standards until next November if you come recuse me from my night class right NOW.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
