I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
she keeps The Day After Pill in her bra... there is a God.
he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.
it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She's relieving herself in the laundry room. I'm really hoping there's a toilet in there...
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
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