Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I am spending my child support on dildos
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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