I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
I'm trapped in whichever ring of hell is populated by inbred yokels and type 2 diabetes.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
He was kissing me at red light while his penis was in an aluminum beer bottle peeing..
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Hangover and judgement, the breakfast of champions.
Randomize
