Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
Well I can cross being naked in a minivan off the list
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
I texted him 3 days ago he said he was pre gaming for the Super Bowl today he just text" gtomajg kaka hee 48!!!"
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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