Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
He's in the same dorm as me. We are sharing a laundry room, gym, and cafeteria. I'VE ALREADY COMMITTED DORMCEST AND MOVE-IN DAY ISN'T UNTILL NEXT WEEK!!!!
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm discussing Magic Mike with my mom and totally get why she thinks I'm gay.
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He can be a kind, caring soul but also give in to the temptation of eating unicorn ass.
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
