We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I AM AT THE LOUNGE WHERE THEY FILMED THE LAP DANCE IN SHOWGIRLS....IT IS AMAZING
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
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