i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
It was the single greastest thing to happen to my dick ever
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
In his defense he just bought a bong like a week ago so he's still in that honeymoon phase.
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
Randomize
