I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
Aint no party like a Broke College Girls Eating Stuffed Crust Pizza party
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
Randomize
