you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
So... 5th graders can't whisper for shit, but apparently I have an awesome rack.
Haha. Niice.
Yeah, I didn't know whether to be shocked or flattered.
both.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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