Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.
direct quote: "i'm so over my clit" either best or most awkward conversation possible with your COUSIN
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Randomize
