Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
IT'S PERFEFT
... what?
HIS DICK. IT'S PERFECT. BYE.
Randomize
