Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Whoever said that remembering a girls name is a basic rule for getting laid has never met me.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
She had a glow in the dark pastie on her forehead the last time I saw her. That should help you find her.
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Stay home. Ain't nothing out in these mean streets but plan b and regret
Randomize
