Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
three words: i give head
three words: not that well
You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
I think my moral compass just broke
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
