Plan B is the new Plan A
She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "
True life. I have to get a nose job due to a deviated septum from blowing coke. Thank you college.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
I just saw your brother in some random persons yard climbing a tree. Just saying.
Probably on drugs.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
