I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Do you know what's great about Canada?..... There will always be a Tim Hortons on my walk of shame route
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
I know you are gonna wanna ask a lot of questions but when we are home I need to cover your face with deli meat and photograph it
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
