My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
You just kept rubbing her head and repeating "I really like your head, I want your head..." over and over for like 10 minutes straight... And she didnt even stop you.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
She said I walked up to the McDonalds counter and ordered just a cup full of pickles then proceeded to offer some to everyone in the place.
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
Instead of getting a taxi some gay black guy drove us home. He is trying to break into the taxi business
Way to promote small business.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Randomize
