I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.
now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
Too bad I can't un-pee in his body wash
You know that thing where you wouldn't typically eat ass but you're in love with him so you want to eat his ass, because it's HIS ass
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
Randomize
