Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.
My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Found the puke drawer
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
