she cant drink. allergic to alcohol.
ewwww. she might as well have a dick.
My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
I mean, keeping the tube socks on AND taking cell phone pictures that he didn't ask for during sex? that's two strikes kiddo.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready
Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
You drunkenly said something along the lines of "move forever" to the lady standing in your way. Needless to say you had too many mimosas at breakfast.
Randomize
