I'm going to rape someone's good day.
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Found your dick twin last night
Is it 3pm? Or am I losing my mind because it's pickled in vodka and diet coke?
What drink are we having for lunch?
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
I sent him a blank text because I didn't want to "drunk text" him.
Randomize
