I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
One day i'll wow you with artfully trimmed pubes.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
