In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
IT IS EARTH DAY, RECORD STORE DAY, 4/20 EVE, AND SATURDAY ALL AT THE SAME TIME!
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Literally the fucking master of salvaging the possibility of a blow job whilst also crushing somebody's dreams.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
So I ended the trip with two cold sores, poison ivy on my leg and vagina, and no alcohol or weed. WORST. 4TH. OF. JULY. EVER.
Randomize