If there's anything in this world better than hotboxing in the rain I haven't found it yet.
Agreed
all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
It's embarrassing enough people in my life are aware of the ridiculous things that happen to me. I don't think we need to get the whole world involved.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Its only once in a life time you get to pick your vcard swiper up from jail
I have a video on my phone of someone streaking in my house last night, do you have any idea who it is?
Randomize
