I chugged a bottle of robotussein and i ducking saw a blind lady on a purch sewing a shirt! And a tree portal
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I picked up a guy that night wearing a onesie. I kicked Xmas' ass
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
He sent me a dick pic from work, but I could see all the pizzas in the background. Now I'm just hungry.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
How awkward is it to have the guy you used to sleep with congratulate you on your engagement? I'll tell you. Very.
Randomize
