last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Contrary to popular belief alot of woman do actually enjoy sucking cock.
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
This text is addressed to sober me: getting drunk by yourself may have seemed like a Good idea at first bit it can tell you that it wasn't ad fun as you thought it would be
Ps your lap top bag is FULL of empty beets
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Randomize
