She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Doing lines of coke with a $100 dollar bill off a 6in x 9in photo of your childhood self really tells you where you where you've gotten in life.
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
