i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
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