i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
And he's back on taking these stupid testosterone supplements to kickstart him back into working out. And they just make him angry and horny all the time. I'm like great, just in time to meet my whole family for Christmas.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
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