Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
All I did today at work was try to remember in vivid detail what your cock looks like.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
Oh, and apparently I was butt ass naked and walked into the room where anna was skyping her dude in afghanistan and said "This is happening."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Randomize
