I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
All of his creepy stalker friends want you too
If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
A sandwich with pizza as the bread. I love you.
YES WITH THE SQUARE KIND OF SLICES
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I've thrown up in front of nearly every customer we've had today.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
