Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.
So while she was giving me a lap dance I told her I quit med school. Just so she didn't feel like the only one who's made bad decisions in their life.
what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers
6 min
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
This message brought to you by inappropriate slogans. Cotton candy, melting in your mouth like boners.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I just didn't expect to have anal in a retail store at 9 AM on a Tuesday.
Randomize
