when i was alone, his dick was there for me...
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
tanning, a slurpee, and a cigarette. spa day college edition
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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