so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
I just did the classiest thing ever.
last time you said that you got chlamydia.
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Two words: nipple clamps
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