I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????
I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Today, this cop risk his life to save me from a sink hole but all I could do is laugh, I was so stoned
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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