She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I think the camel was justified in biting me.
Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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