So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
He looks like Jesus, if Jesus had let himself go.
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Its almost 1 am and u wanna get together and cry naked
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Went home with a guy last night with Taco Bell sauce in my hair and on my pants
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize