You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged
You know, be my cock's hype man.
At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
She brought me back a blanket from Mexico, then we had sex on it
There they were doing the deed on the beach, looked like two seagulls fighting over a chicken bone.
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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