the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
I told him I wanted to get on him and ride him to Montana. It didnt end like i thought it would.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Hey I know we haven't talked in a while, but I wanted to thank you for those m&ms you bought me for Christmas. Sorry I never got you anything then broke up with you.
Randomize
